


a hundred miles deep, heading headfirst

by leirskald



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 17:27:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14549679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leirskald/pseuds/leirskald
Summary: Joohyun is still awake when Sooyoung comes home, exhausted and wearing thin, and she is there to catch her, always.or, Joohyun is the best leader anyone can ask for.





	a hundred miles deep, heading headfirst

**A hundred miles deep, heading headfirst**

Joohyun can’t sleep. She doesn’t sleep that much nowadays, preferring to keep odd hours huddled in front of the television watching late-night infomercials on mute. She’s doing exactly that when the lock unlatches and the door swings open. Sooyoung sees herself in, a little unsteady on her feet, and all but collapses into a dining chair.

Their manager is standing at the door, leaning against the door frame. Catches Joohyun’s eyes from across the room and shakes his head; a bad day, then.

“Goodnight,” he says. Sooyoung waves him off without much by way of words.

Sooyoung’s shoulders are slumped, and she is undoubtedly very exhausted. She doesn’t seem to notice Joohyun’s presence, or if does, she’s too tired to care. There’s something else there — Joohyun can see it in the tense muscles of her back, how her breath shudders as she hides her face in the triangle of crossed arms — that’s beyond weariness.

All is still. A woman in gaudy workout attire is selling a step machine on the television.

Joohyun thinks to leave Sooyoung alone at first — not because she doesn’t care. Quite the opposite, in fact. She knows for a fact that she prefers to be left alone when she’s feeling depressed.

But then Sooyoung’s shoulders start shaking in the dim light and Joohyun gets off the couch to fetch the girl a glass of milk from the fridge. At the pattering of feet on the kitchen tiles, Sooyoung jumps, spooked. Joohyun pays no mind. She pretends not to see as she retrieves a glass from the dishrack and a carton of milk.

Behind her, Sooyoung is hurriedly wiping away tears. Sooyoung’s like that. Crying doesn’t come naturally to her the way it does for others. Seungwan prefers to be comforted and reassured, Seulgi prefers to prove herself to the point of burnout and honest criticism on how to improve, while Yerim prefers to go out with friends.

So Joohyun sets the glass in front of her and fills her glass. Then, as she puts away the milk, she says, “It’s just me. I won’t look.”

“Oh, unnie.” Sooyoung’s voice wavers. She’s trying at light and casual, more out of reflex, but there’s no need. This late at night, when it’s just them, there’s no need for pretending. “What are you doing up?”

“Can’t sleep.”

“Oh.”

“Are you okay?”

A pause, then Sooyoung says, “Yeah. I think so.”

“Okay. I’ll leave you alone now.”

Joohyun keeps her eyes averted as she heads to her room, but a hand catches her wrists and halts her mid-step. From where she stands, she can only see the top of Sooyoung’s head.

Joohyun knows. She knows it’s been hard on Sooyoung lately. But this is how life is for them.

Joohyun isn’t the touchy-feely, sentimental type either, but she allows Sooyoung to slowly rest her forehead against her belly. Gently, she runs her fingers through Sooyoung’s hair, which has been cut short for the drama. Sooyoung’s hands grip at the hem of her sleep-shirt.

They don’t speak. Sooyoung’s smarter than sweet, easy comforts. Joohyun knows better than to say, “it’s okay”.

Eventually, Joohyun asks, “When was the last time you slept?”

“I’m not sure,” Sooyoung admits. “Yesterday? In the van.”

Joohyun tugs at Sooyoung’s fingers. “Come on then. Finish your milk and go to sleep.”

Sooyoung pulls away slightly. Her hands drop to her laps and she looks distraught. “I can’t. I have to be up in three hours. If I sleep now I might not wake up till tomorrow morning.”

Sooyoung’s back is bent in a slouch. She’s not crying anymore, but it’s left her even more tired than she had been before. Suddenly, she looks up and takes Joohyun’s hands by the fingers again, clinging at the fingertips with the barest pressure. Sooyoung’s smile is wan but grateful. “I’m so glad all of you are back safely. I saw the pictures; he looked really friendly with you, unnie.”

Joohyun laughs, but then it trails off into a sigh. Sooyoung drinks her glass of milk and gets up to leave the empty glass in the sink. Joohyun would typically tell her to rinse it, too, but she lets it pass. If only for tonight.

“Come and lie with me on the couch.”

Sooyoung looks a little surprised by the offer. Joohyun’s never been this intimate, or one to initiate intimacy. At her widened eyes, Joohyun quickly adds, “I’ll wake you up when it’s time to go.”

It seems good enough. Sooyoung follows her wordlessly and goes to lie down on the couch, making space for Joohyun’s cosy little nest of blankets. But then Joohyun simply picks up her head to put in her laps. Sooyoung stiffens imperceptibly; she lies on Seungwan’s and Seulgi’s laps all the time and Yerim lies on hers sometimes, but Joohyun has always been _Joohyun unnie_ , with the emphasis on _unnie_. She’s always been that untouchable, unattainable _unnie_ — Sooyoung’s accepted it by now.

She’ll never have this unspoken bond Joohyun seems to have with Seungwan, so full of adoration and affection that it makes Sooyoung’s throat choke with envy sometimes; there’s an easy intimacy between Seulgi and Joohyun that’s a result of their long years training together, no reassurance is needed there (they can spend the whole day not talking to each other, and then go right back to their usual antics); and there’s too much history between Yerim and Joohyun for Sooyoung to even dream of having a relationship that deep. Sometimes it seems it’ll never be anything more between them other than a working relationship that’s close but never _close_ enough. On some days, it feels as though Joohyun barely tolerates her at all.

“Are you going to relax or not, Sooyoung?” Sooyoung can feel Joohyun’s voice, low and thrumming at her ear.

So to be granted something like this, Sooyoung must truly look pathetic.

“Yes,” Sooyoung says. Without knowing, her words are suddenly formal and awkward. It’s habit. Then she says, “You know, unnie, when we first debuted, I didn’t think you liked me very much.”

“Hmm,” Joohyun says, choosing her words very carefully. “I liked you fine. I just wasn’t used to you. We didn’t know each other that well back then.”

“Yeah.”

Maybe Sooyoung sounds a little wistful, because Joohyun continues, “But we’re past that now.”

“Are we?”

Joohyun flattens her palm over Sooyoung’s ear, teasing. She says, “If I don’t coddle you, it’s because I think you’re doing well enough on your own already. When I don’t pay attention to you, it’s not because I don’t care. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that way.”

Sooyoung shifts to get more comfortable on Joohyun’s lap. It’s her own way of forgiveness, that she clutches at Joohyun’s knee. “It’s okay, unnie.”

Joohyun’s voice is hushed when she asks, “They’re mean, aren’t they?”

Sooyoung nods into her laps. “Yeah.” Joohyun’s fingers are apologetic when they tuck some hair behind Sooyoung’s ear. “But that’s okay. I have you guys. That’s all I need.”

She doesn’t need to turn to see that Joohyun’s smiling. Still so pretty even as she’s sleep-deprived and bare-faced. She’s bathed in the bright colours of the television screen.

Sooyoung drifts off like that — with her head in Joohyun’s lap as Joohyun weaves her fingers in and out of Sooyoung’s hair, and a man trying to sell her cleaning products for the low price of twenty bucks.  

 

**Author's Note:**

> I will never fail to inflate my lungs for you when you're  
> a hundred miles deep,  
> heading headfirst  
> towards a telephone pole  
> — Instruction Manual, Shinji Moon


End file.
